Parenting Style Archives - Kids Ain't Cheap

I had the great pleasure of working in the fine jewelry industry, for almost 15 years. During that time, I learned a lot about what it takes to provide excellent customer service. It takes a lot of hard work, involves admitting when you are wrong, finding ways to resolve issues that seem insoluble and also being a really great listener. Providing exceptional customer service builds trust, loyalty, and positive relationships.

Today, I was trying to think about what I learned – during all of those years – from interacting with many different kinds of people, day in and day out. Then my thoughts turned to how I could (and hopefully do) put those skills to work in my daily life — especially as it relates to parenting.

Hmmmm…I wonder how my children would rate me on a customer satisfaction survey?

You may have heard of tiger parenting, free-range parenting and even helicopter parenting but I have just – this very moment actually – decided to develop a parenting program which I will call Customer Service Parenting!

I know…it does have a catchy ring to it!

Before I go any further, one thing we always hear as it relates to customer service is — “The customer is always right.” Fear not parents! While I certainly don’t believe kids are always wrong – they are still children and have a lot to learn. That being said, unbeknownst to them, my boys teach me things everyday about myself , the world and life — that I never knew before (or perhaps forgot about since becoming an adult).

I stumbled across the article, The Ten Commandments of Customer Service and decided that it provided the perfect customer service tips, to explain how great customer service and great parenting can go hand-in-hand. Let’s get started…

1. Know Who is Boss

Good news, YOU are the boss of your children. They need you to guide them, love them, care for them, set boundaries, and provide discipline when needed. That’s our job as parents. However, we must also keep in mind that just because we are in charge, and just because we are “the boss” — that doesn’t make us infallible.

2. Be a Good Listener

Being a good listener is an important aspect of parenting. I know I often have to remind myself to listen first and react second. I can’t tell you how many times I have misunderstood the intentions of the boys because I didn’t understand what they were saying, or what they were doing. I quickly realized if I had slowed down for a minute – looked them in the eyes – and asked them to explain what they were needing, it would have saved us all a lot of frustration. As in customer service — it is important to identify the needs of your children by asking the right questions, reading their their body language, listening to the tone of their voice and trying to imagine what they are feeling.

3. Identify and Anticipate Needs

The more time you take to really listen and understand your children; the easier it will be to identify and anticipate their needs in the future. As discussed in the Ten Commandments of Customer Service article, a customer’s needs are often times emotional rather than logical — and the same can be said for our children’s needs as well.

4. Make Customers Feel Important and Appreciated

Children who feel important and appreciated are more confident and develop a better sense of self. We must remember to tell our children everyday – several times a day – just how important they are to us. It is also essential that we recognize them for the things that they do — especially when they have the initiative to something with out being asked. Praising their good deeds and wise choices, makes them feel proud and encourages them to repeat the good behavior.

5. Help Customers Understand Your Systems

This is something I learned from watching Super Nanny. She says it’s important to let kids know what you expect from them and what behavior will not be tolerated. This is great because it gives children a general guideline of what is expected of them. If they don’t abide by the “house rules” they get in trouble but they will know why. I often find myself telling the boys not to do something – expecting them to know better – but sometimes they just don’t know. We have not set up house rules yet, but this is something we will be doing soon.

Last summer, bedtime for us became a huge battle. Our boys have always gone to bed very easily but for some reason, things just got really bad. I decided to take Super Nanny’s advice and listed out all of the things that we expected of them at bed time. We also implemented a reward chart and from the very first night it worked! It was incredible!!!

6. Appreciate the Power of “Yes”

This is something I need to work on. Sometimes, it’s just easier for me to say no to things the boys ask because I’m busy, or don’t want to clean up another mess. I am in no way saying to should give in to every whim, want, or whine. However, if we can stop and take a moment to think about what they are asking – and if it’s a reasonable request – you might decide a yes is best. Plus, don’t you just love to see their little faces light up when you say yes to something they really want to do?

7. Know How to Apologize

This is BIG! Parents do make mistakes. We most certainly do! It is very important that we own up to them and let our kids know it. This sometimes involves a heart-felt apology to the kiddos. They will appreciate it more than you know. It’s good for them to see that they aren’t the only ones who make mistakes, that nobody is perfect and that giving a sincere apology can really make a huge difference. It may not fix a broken vase but it can melt away anger and resentment.

8. Give more than Expected

This one is not about material things. This is about giving more of YOU — your time, attention and love. Children are only little for a very short time, why not take the extra five minutes to read them another book, or play catch a little longer, or let them have a little extra time at the park? The dishes can wait! We have those to do for the rest of our lives — but having little ones in the house goes by in a flash. Give you children more of your undivided attention and I promise you will never regret it!

9. Get Regular Feedback

Getting regular feedback from your kids can be a great way to keep communication open. This is especially important when you have older children. Find out what kids feel about the vibe in the house. Are the house rules fair and if not, why? What would they like you to do more or less of? Having a family meeting once a month to discuss these things can be really great for a family! Be sure to really listen to what they say, check in with them to make sure things are going well, and be open to constructive criticism as well.

10. Treat Employees Well

This has to do with you and your spouse. In this customer service parenting scenario you are both the employees. It is your responsibility to treat each other well, provide a united front, and stay connected. With all of the hustle and bustle of our daily life, it is easy to forget why we fell in love and had kids in the first place. We all need to make sure to compliment, love, support, and encourage each other as much as we possibly can. This essential to a blissful marriage and happy family life. Children who know that their parents love and respect each other feel much more secure. So please parents — don’t forget to take time for yourselves. Date nights are so good for you and they are FUN!

So, it seems pretty clear; if we provide our children with the best customer service we can — we will all be so much better for it! We all have room to improve, I’m going to start today!!!

How do you think your kids would rate YOU on a survey?

Brian

Brian is the founder of Kids Ain’t Cheap and is now sharing his journey through parenthood.

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So — there I was minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stumbled upon a parenting article written by Mayim Bialik. If you aren’t familiar with her name, you might know her from the movie Beaches and the TV show Blossom. She wrote a blog post which caught my attention; Why I don’t don’t force my kids to say ‘please’ or walk on schedule.

What? She doesn’t make her kids say please? But why? I was immediately sucked in and began to read.

I read a lot about parenting

Now, I have read a lot of parenting books, blogs, and the like. If I’m going to be 100% honest, I’ll tell you that some of it confuses the heck out of me. One book says to do things one way, and another says the complete opposite. So I take what I think is helpful and I leave the rest by the wayside — or lock it up my subconscious to pull out at a later date if needed.

Right after reading Mayim’s post, I thought to myself “Well, there is absolutely nothing I will take away from that article!”

I guess her parenting style might be attachment parenting combined with what some call slow parenting.

What my parenting style is NOT

I knew even before the boys were born, that attachment parenting was not for me. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with it — it’s just not my style. I’m sure there are some fantastic attachment parenting — twin parents out there, but I am not one of them. It’s hard enough to get sleep with one newborn but if you are demand feeding, co-sleeping and sling wearing twins, triplets or more? That could be tough. Plus, I have yet to see a comfortable sling for twin parents. Does this look comfortable to anyone here? You decide…

Found on Amazon.com

In relation to the slow parenting — I honestly don’t have the patience for it. I promise that I am working on taking it down a notch. I’m not a hyper scheduler or type A personality which helps, but it is hard! As I’ve mentioned before my kids dawdle like crazy!

Another thing that I just can’t get on-board with, is not reminding your kids to be polite and that includes sharing. Sorry Mayim, if I see you in the park and your kids want to play with something my kids have — my children will be asked by me, to share with your kids. I don’t care if your kids share or not, but mine will. I will always encourage my children to say please and thank you; just as my Mom and my grandparents encouraged me to. It’s polite. People who go out of their way do to nice things or give you something, deserve to be thanked. It’s common courtesy. If you are a courteous individual, you will be successful in whatever you do, because people appreciate being appreciated.

Some people have said that Mayim’s methods are extreme. While I don’t think her style would work for me I, wouldn’t say she’s extreme. Would one say that the Amish are extreme? Probably not, they just live simply and Mayim parents simply (though I wouldn’t think it would be simple at all. It sounds like a lot more work to me). In other words, she parents organically — meaning she goes with the natural flow and follows her children’s ques. You will not find any TV watching, Leapfrog game systems, or other automated learning toys. I honestly don’t know how she does it. She notes that she still nurses her her 2yr old on demand; which includes feeding every two hours during the night. Wow! I think Moms who breastfeed are the bomb! I wasn’t able to – but I have much respect for those who do – but every 2 hours? That has got to be messing with everyone’s REM sleep.

After reading Mayim’s article it got me thinking, “What is my parenting style?”

My parenting style

For one thing, I need my sleep too much to do what she does. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I am a much more patient mom – and all around better person – when I have had enough rest. That’s why it was important for me to develop a routine (or some will call it sleep training) for the twins. I am happy to report that they are no worse for the wear. In fact, they are excellent sleepers (like their momma). At almost 4 years old, they still take a 1-2hr nap everyday — and no, it doesn’t have any impact on how they sleep at night. The boys were sleeping through the night (6hrs) without waking up at around 3 months old. They did have one very late feeding around 11pm — and then would sleep until 5 or 6am. I had them on a sleep – eat – wake schedule and it worked beautifully for us. It wasn’t too strict but it was a routine that helped all three of us get through our day.

I guess my parenting involves a mixture of things. I’m not really a natural parent but I there are some things that might be considered natural parenting – like making all of the boys’ baby food – but then there are other things – like using disposable diapers – that would cancel that out. I do let my kids watch TV but I limit what and how much they watch. PBS is our best friend because of the educational programming; minus the commercials.

I am probably more overprotective than I should be; I’m trying to loosen up a bit now that they are getting older. I do worry about them getting hurt or something bad happening to them if they are out of my sight. I am working on not hovering though. I am starting to realize that if they use scissors and cut themselves, they’ll probably be more careful next time. So if I warn them not to do something several times and they just keep doing it, that must mean they need to learn the hard way, to get it to sink in. It makes me sad when my children get hurt, disappointed, or upset but it’s just part of life. I try to remind myself that orotecting them from everything is not only impossible, it also won’t allow them to gain life skills they need to survive in the world. Again, this is something I am working on.

I do use time-outs, I don’t spank my children, and on occasion — I have been know to yell to try to get their attention. Which by the way, rarely works.

I guess there isn’t really a label for my parenting style — or even Mayim’s for that matter. We are both moms, who are following our own instincts. We both love our children and want them to be happy and well adjusted. We are both working hard to encourage and support our children so they can live their best life.

Even though she and I parent differently, I did take away something from her article — that I should back off a little. I need to step away, take a deep breath, and let the boys play and explore without intruding on their natural learning. When they are fighting instead of just “fixing” whatever is happening, I should allow them to work it out (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but the crying and whining can be really hard to listen to).

There are a lot of things I’ll keep the same. I’ll still always remind them to share and of course, to say please and thank you.

So what is your parenting style?