Kids Ain't Cheap

But They Sure Are Worth It

Free-Range Parenting: Is it Too Scary to Consider?

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Free Range Kids by Lenore SkenazyHow would you feel about letting your child go to a neighborhood park to play on their own? Do you allow your children the freedom you had growing up? I think we would all like to do that – but realistically speaking – isn’t it too dangerous? Some people say — no. As I was doing research for my last post, I stumbled upon a few articles that included thoughts and opinions, on Free-Range parenting. I had heard about it, but didn’t know the specifics.

What I did know, was that columnist Lenore Skenazy, made the decision to let her 9 year old son navigate the New York City subway all on his own. This of course was after she made sure that he knew about the subway system and could read a map. Skenazy then wrote about it in the New York Sun. Some people – I’m going to guess there were quite a few – thought she was crazy and that she was taking a huge gamble with her child’s life. At first, I thought so too and it had a lot to do with something that happened last summer.

When a child wanders off

While the actual event only lasted a few minutes, it felt like an eternity. It terrified me and left me shaken for the rest of the day. I took the boys – who had just turned 3 – to a nice park on the other side of town. It’s one of our favorites, has wide open spaces, and a really fun playground.

When we got there I heard music. There was a man playing a guitar and singing. He was located in the covered picnic area, which is right next to the playground. Right away my “mom radar” went off. I told myself that I shouldn’t be so judgmental and I just needed to relax a little. I sort of did —  but I was careful to kept an eye on the guy and an even closer eye on the boys.

The boys were playing and having a great time. There weren’t too many people there, so they had free run of the place. A. had climbed a little too high for his comfort and asked me to come help him get down — so I did. When I turned around to look for N. he was no where to be seen. No where!

I tried not to panic. I kept one hand on A. and began calling for N. I looked all over.  I looked on slides, on the swings, in tunnels and nothing. Then I saw something that made my heart sink and almost brought me to tears. The man – the one playing the guitar – was gone too. Suddenly, every episode I had ever watched of America’s Most Wanted and Dateline NBC – relating to abducted children –  flooded my mind. I imagined that man had grabbed my son, and slipped away unnoticed.  I tried to stop thinking about it, but I couldn’t. Now —  I was frantically calling. A. began asking where N. was and started to call for him too.

All of a sudden, from around a corner, came my sweet- faced darling boy. I’m getting teary just reliving this again; that’s how much it frightened me. I grabbed N. and hugged him and thanked God that he was okay.

Free-range parenters believe risks over over-stated

So after that experience – and the panic and fear that I felt – how could I even think of (eventually) giving them the kind of freedom Skenazy advocates? Well, she and others like her, think that shows – like the ones I just mentioned – are what keep us over parenting our children. Skenazy also notes in her book Free-Range Kids: How to Rise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (without going nuts) that the occurrence of children who are abducted, is actually quite rare. Rare or not, I think I would be a nervous wreck if I allowed the boys – at age 9 – to ride their bikes to the library all on their own. Would they be fine? Probably, but what if they weren’t? I would never ever forgive myself if something happened to them.

I have been reading Skenazy’s blog and I really like it. I didn’t think I would. I thought I’d be outraged by everything she posted, and I’m just not. She is right that hovering and trying to remove all of the potential dangers and disappointments in life — isn’t doing anything for our kids. So what if they fall down and get scraped knees or a broken bone? It’s going to happen but they will heal and they might learn to be more careful next time.

Look — I spent my summers climbing trees and riding my bike around the neighborhood (often times doing dare-devil maneuvers like standing on the seat). Sure I fell, but I have some really fun childhood memories – and impressive scars – because I got to do that. I don’t think I would ever be able to allow the boys to navigate the subway system at age 9 but I’ll be reading Skenazy’s book. I’ll probably still feel the same about a lot of things, but it will definitely give me some food for thought. I certainly don’t want to take anything away from my kids, but their safety is my first concern! I think the book is worth a read! I’ll keep you posted 🙂

So what are your thoughts? Are you for or against Free-Range parenting?

What’s Your Parenting Style?

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Having twins requires a special parenting styleSo — there I was minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stumbled upon a parenting article written by Mayim Bialik. If you aren’t familiar with her name, you might know her from the movie Beaches and the TV show Blossom. She wrote a blog post which caught my attention; Why I don’t don’t force my kids to say ‘please’ or walk on schedule.

What? She doesn’t make her kids say please? But why? I was immediately sucked in and began to read.

I read a lot about parenting

Now, I have read a lot of parenting books, blogs, and the like. If I’m going to be 100% honest, I’ll tell you that some of it confuses the heck out of me. One book says to do things one way, and another says the complete opposite.  So I take what I think is helpful and I leave the rest by the wayside — or lock it up my subconscious to pull out at a later date if needed.

Right after reading Mayim’s post, I thought to myself “Well, there is absolutely nothing I will take away from that article!”

I guess her parenting style might be attachment parenting combined with what some call slow parenting.

What my parenting style is NOT

I knew even before the boys were born, that attachment parenting was not for me. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with it — it’s just not my style. I’m sure there are some fantastic attachment parenting — twin parents out there, but I am not one of them. It’s hard enough to get sleep with one newborn but if you are demand feeding, co-sleeping and sling wearing twins, triplets or more? That could be tough. Plus, I have yet to see a comfortable sling for twin parents. Does this look comfortable to anyone here? You decide…

Found on Amazon.com

In relation to the slow parenting — I honestly don’t have the patience for it. I promise that I am working on taking it down a notch. I’m not a hyper scheduler or type A personality which helps, but it is hard! As I’ve mentioned before my kids dawdle like crazy!

Another thing that I just can’t get on-board with, is not reminding your kids to be polite and that includes sharing. Sorry Mayim, if I see you in the park and your kids want to play with something my kids have — my children will be asked by me, to share with your kids. I don’t care if  your kids share or not, but mine will. I will always encourage my children to say please and thank you; just as my Mom and my grandparents encouraged me to. It’s polite. People who go out of their way do to nice things or give you something, deserve to be thanked. It’s common courtesy. If you are a courteous individual, you will be successful in whatever you do, because people appreciate being appreciated.

Some people have said that Mayim’s methods are extreme. While I don’t think her style would work for me I, wouldn’t say she’s extreme. Would one say that the Amish are extreme? Probably not, they just live simply and Mayim parents simply (though I wouldn’t think it would be simple at all. It sounds like a lot more work to me). In other words, she parents organically — meaning she goes with the natural flow and follows her children’s ques. You will not find any TV watching, Leapfrog game systems, or other automated learning toys. I honestly don’t know how she does it. She notes that she still nurses her her 2yr old on demand; which includes feeding every two hours during the night. Wow! I think Moms who breastfeed are the bomb! I wasn’t able to – but I have much respect for those who do – but every 2 hours? That has got to be messing with everyone’s REM sleep.

After reading Mayim’s article it got me thinking, “What is my parenting style?”

My parenting style

For one thing, I need my sleep too much to do what she does. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I am a much more patient mom –  and all around better person – when I have had enough rest. That’s why it was important for me to develop a routine (or some will call it sleep training) for the twins. I am happy to report that they are no worse for the wear. In fact, they are excellent sleepers (like their momma). At almost 4 years old, they still take a 1-2hr nap everyday — and no, it doesn’t have any impact on how they sleep at night. The boys were sleeping through the night (6hrs) without waking up at around 3 months old. They did have one very late feeding around 11pm — and then would sleep until 5 or 6am. I had them on a sleep – eat – wake schedule and it worked beautifully for us. It wasn’t too strict but it was a routine that helped all three of us get through our day.

I guess my parenting involves a mixture of things. I’m not really a natural parent but I there are some things that might be considered natural parenting – like making all of the boys’ baby food – but then there are other things – like using disposable diapers – that would cancel that out. I do let my kids watch TV but I limit what and how much they watch. PBS is our best friend because of the educational programming; minus the commercials.

I am probably more overprotective than I should be; I’m trying to loosen up a bit now that they are getting older. I do worry about them getting hurt or something bad happening to them if they are out of my sight. I am working on not hovering though. I am starting to realize that if they use scissors and cut themselves, they’ll probably be more careful next time. So if I warn them not to do something several times and they just keep doing it, that must mean they need to learn the hard way, to get it to sink in. It makes me sad when my children get hurt, disappointed, or upset but it’s just part of life. I try to remind myself that orotecting them from everything is not only impossible, it also won’t allow them to gain life skills they need to survive in the world. Again, this is something I am working on.

I do use time-outs, I don’t spank my children, and on occasion — I have been know to yell to try to get their attention. Which by the way, rarely works.

I guess there isn’t really a label for my parenting style — or even Mayim’s for that matter. We are both moms, who are following our own instincts. We both love our children and want them to be happy and well adjusted. We are both working hard to encourage and support our children so they can live their best life.

Even though she and I parent differently, I did take away something from her article — that I should back off a little. I need to step away, take a deep breath, and let the boys play and explore without intruding on their natural learning. When they are fighting instead of just “fixing” whatever is happening, I should allow them to work it out (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but the crying and whining can be really hard to listen to).

There are a lot of things I’ll keep the same. I’ll still always remind them to share and of course, to say please and thank you.

So what is your parenting style?

When It’s Time to Pause.

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Rosie the Riviter as a single mom
Image by WILPF

It has been an extremely tiring week.  I had to work for 12 straight, full days so I am exhausted. And, as all parents know, work does not really stop when you leave the office.  There are tons still to do at home, albeit more enjoyable, with the family.  I hope and pray that I’ve been patient and understanding these past few days and that I have been an agreeable mom.  I hope that I have done better catching up at home than I have with all my other tasks.

I bumped into these two poems online and thought they were inspirational.  Well, they made me feel a bit better.  Here the are:

Ode to a Single Mom by Tamara Sue Appleman

She’s fixer of sinks and drier of tears; Anxious, yet valiant allayer of fears.
She works a full day Commutes home, and then she works another full-time job, again.

She’s master accountant. And counselor, too. She sets aside worries to listen to you.

There’s laundry and cooking and cleaning to do. Homework, then bathtime A story or two.

She’s finder of toys. And righter of wrongs. She’s busy. She’s tired. She’s lonely. She’s strong.

When the day is done, The kids safely in bed, No energy’s left for the thoughts in her head.

She turns them all off along with the lights. Crawls under covers – Gives in to the night.

Before the rise of the sun. She be up and back to it. There’s no other option. No one else to do it.

If you, too, know this woman (she goes by many names), Applaud her, she belongs to no ascribed hall of fame.

But a tacit sisterhood, Arduous like no other, Of extraordinary women. Also know as Single Mothers.

And another one by an anonymous author:

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, “It’s OK honey, Mommy’s here.” when they keep crying and won’t stop.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON’T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they’ll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at football or soccer games Friday night instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, “Did you see me?” they could say, “Of course, I wouldn’t have missed it for the World,” and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet like a tired 2-year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn’t. For all the mothers who read “Goodnight, Moon” twice a night for a year. And then read it again. “Just one more time.”

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead. This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls ” Mom ?” in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they’d be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can’t find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips sometimes until they bleed–when their 14 -year olds dye their hair green.

What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying? For all the mothers of the victims of all these school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the Survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children’s graves. This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, Mothers without.

…being a mom is tough but it is something I would never change.

I will be better next week.

Where do you find inspiration when you are felling down?

 

Teaching Responsibility-Your Children Will Surprise You

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Spiderman and responsibilityWe all want our children to grow up to be responsible adults. We spend time nurturing and teaching and guiding so that we can form or mold them into responsible citizens. And when we look at how well they are doing we breath a sigh of relief. Parenting is not easy, there are no books and we learn as we go.

An event took place over the weekend that has made me realize just how responsible children can be. My daughter and her fiancée decided to get their first pet. This pet is a mini potbellied piglet. Because their home is not ready they asked me to help and “pig sit”. What wasn’t planned is that the piglets in the litter were pulled from mom too early and sent to a person who was the middleman.

Being the responsible grandmother that I intended to be in the piglet world I went with the kids to pick up the “baby”. Okay, can anyone guess what happens next? Long story short we have twins. And being dehydrated they need constant care.

Teaching my children to care for baby pets

I have learned that two boys ages 13 and 10 can be excellent caregivers. If piglets can get these boys up at 5am to help bottle-feed then I should have done this long ago! I have also learned that my daughter and her fiancée are going to be excellent parents to human children someday. Kids, if you are reading this please hold off on the human grandbabies until I recoup from piglets.

Teaching our children is not always easy. We have the usual homework battles as well as the getting up for school issues. We certainly are not the Brady Bunch. But watching my family care and nurture the piglets has made me realize just how far these children we have raised have come. Will they turn out to be responsible adults? I hope they will!

We as parents tend to get caught up in the everyday tasks of life. We are often so busy that we don’t take time to actually stop and see just how our efforts pay off.

Even before having children of our own we hear and read just how hard parenting can be. Truth is, the experts are right, it is tough and overwhelming at times. There is something the experts can’t show or tell us though. They can’t make our hearts swell with pride anywhere near as well as our children can!

So parents give yourself a pat on the back….we continue the tough job but we manage to get the job done with great rewards.

Do you have pets? How have you gotten your children to help care for them?

What I Love Most about Having Twins!

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TwinsI love having twins! People always ask me if it’s a lot of work and I say, “Sure it is, but it’s worth it.” They truly are a double blessing. Here are some of the best things about having twins.

A Baby for Everyone

One of the first things I loved about having twins, was that they were easy to share. After the boys were born, my Mom and Mother-in-law were so happy that they each had a baby to hold. When people came to visit, there weren’t any awkward, “quit hogging the baby” moments — because there was usually one up for grabs.

Some new mothers feel like everyone is holding their baby but them; or that they only get the baby when they need to be fed or starts crying. Not so much with twins — I am happy to report that I got lots of baby holding time and so did all the other people that love them.

Two Bald Baby Heads with Toothless Grins

Some of my favorite moments of the day, were when the boys would wake up from their naps, or first thing in the morning (especially if they slept in). As soon as I would hear them making cute baby noises; I would go into their room. That’s when I would see the cutest little bald babies smiling at me, with their adorable toothless grins. I loved that!

Rinse and Repeat

Having two infants at the same time was a little intense. The best twin advice I received was “What you do for one, do for the other.” This saved me so much time and frustration. It took a little while for us to get in the groove of things but once I remembered that advice – and put it into practice – things flowed much more smoothly.

They ate at the same time, I changed their diapers at the same time (whether the other one needed it or not), I put them down for a nap at the same time, and as soon their sleep schedules began to sync, life got a tiny bit easier. Plus, I got really good at doing things, because I would do it once and then immediately do it again. Except feeding. I always fed them at the same time, otherwise I wouldn’t have had time for anything else.

Built in Best Friend (wrestling buddy)

My boys always have a playmate. Of course, that can also work against me when they are fighting — but if you have more than one kid it’s bound to happen. When they were newborns, they didn’t really look at each other much but they loved to be side-by-side. One would lay their head on the other’s shoulder or they might hold hands. It was so adorable!

Now that they are older, they have inside jokes, they giggle and chat before falling asleep and again when they wake up, they make up all kinds of fun adventures and work together to achieve a common goal. They are also more confident when experiencing new situations, because they have each other.

Twins Community

I am part of a wonderful community of twin parents. You know how motorcyclists wave at each other as they pass on the road; it’s kind of like that for parents of twins. We might stop to swap stories or just give each other a knowing smile. We share a common bond and it’s always nice to talk to other parents of twins. I especially enjoy meeting twins who are grown-up. They provide fantastic insights.

2-for-1 Deal

It took awhile for my husband and I to have children. We always said we were going to have two; we just didn’t know it would happen at the same time. Sometimes, I wish I could have experienced two pregnancies but I am very thankful for the one I did have. I got two babies and only had to go through labor once — that’s a pretty good deal. Plus, I have two very healthy little boys. I couldn’t ask for more than that.

People Tell Me I’m a Supermom

This is always nice to hear and I really appreciate when people take the time to tell me this. It’s very sweet. Truth is, I think there are a lot of Supermoms (and Dads) out there, who work very hard for their children every day. That’s what being a parent is all about – no matter what hand you are dealt – a good parent will just do what needs to be done to care for their child or children, no matter what.

I once had a lady say to me, “You have twins? Wow! I don’t know how you do it. I have one three year old and it’s insane. I would have killed myself if I had twins.” Yikes! Better me than her I guess.

The Same but Different

My boys share a birthday, they both love superheros and fire trucks, and the both love their dog but they are really so very different. For one thing A. will eat just about any fruit on the planet but N. really only likes apples and grapes (thankfully he’s not as picky about veggies). Before they were even born, A. was pretty chill and N. moved around like a wild man. After they arrived — A. was pretty chill and N. was a wild man.

They don’t look alike, they don’t dress alike and they certainly have different ideas about things — but at the end of the day they are best buddies. If they are apart for any length of time – as soon as they see each other – they are so happy to be together again.

There’s really so much to love about having twins! There’s double the hugs and double the kisses. There is no feeling in the world like holding a sleeping baby in each arm. Sometimes, I still try to carry them both for old times sake, but it’s getting much more difficult.

I am so thankful to be a mother of twins. It has been an amazing experience so far — and the adventure has just begun!

The blessings of raising twins, certainly outweigh the challenges.

Do you have twins? What do you love most about having them?

How to Decide if You Should Be an At-Home Parent

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Is being a stay-at-home mom right for you?I have always wanted to be an at-home Mom. Always! However, as my husband and I started to plan for a family, neither of us thought we could make that happen financially. We discussed that I could possibly go part time one day – maybe after baby #2.

At the time, I had been working for a family owned jewelry store for almost 9 years. I made a decent income,  was given a lot of responsibility, had fantastic customers, and a wonderful boss! It was all going pretty well and I really had no intention of leaving.

Once I finally did become pregnant – even after discovering early on that we were expecting twins – I still intended to go back to work. My boss’ Dad would say “Once you have those babies, you aren’t going to want to come back.” I would laugh and tell him that of course I would come back — how we were going to afford all those diapers anyway?

Well – right before I was due to go back to work – my husband and I did decide that I should stay home with the boys. Because I had been placed on bed rest – 3 months before the boys were born – we had to tighten up our budget even before they arrived and we decided we would be able make it work financially.

Staying home is not for everyone. People whose sense-of-self is strongly intertwined with their career, people get who depressed if they don’t get enough adult interaction, people who are not at all interested in staying home with their kids all day, or know that it would be a financial hardship on their family — might not want to become an at-home parent.

So how do you know if you are making the right decision to stay home?  Well, you have to ask yourself and your partner some important questions.

Can We Afford It?

This is usually the biggest question parents face. My husband and I thought there was no way we could manage – but what we didn’t realize – was how much money we were just frittering away. We cut back on a lot of things in the beginning; cable, dining out, and other unnecessary expenses. It was hard to go from buying what we wanted, planning for a bigger house, and getting a different vehicle — to just making do with what we had and finding ways to cut back on everything!

When we brought the babies home, they didn’t care that our house wasn’t bigger or any of the other stuff. All they cared about, is that they were surrounded by people who loved them and all their needs were met. That’s it! Admittedly, it was much harder on my husband and I — but we made it through, knowing that our boys have never had to do without. We always make it work and every year we become financially stronger.

Should I work Part-Time?

Working part-time is a great option. When the economy was really getting bad, my husband’s hours got cut at work. I decided to get a part-time job. I looked for something that wasn’t too stressful or time consuming. I found a fun job and worked there for two years. After 21 months of not being in the work force, it was nice to be back and working with the public. I’m a social person, I like people, and can talk to just about anyone. It felt good to have more adult interaction — even if I was working.

Working part-time can take away some of the guilt Moms (or Dads) can feel when they drop their child off at daycare. The child may only be there a couple of days a week and really love playing with other children. We didn’t do daycare for the boys because it wouldn’t have made sense financially – so when I was at work –  my husband was home with the boys.

Staying home also opened the door to other opportunities, I never really thought much about – like freelance writing. It’s something I have always wanted to do but never thought I could actually do professionally. I am happy to report that I was wrong. What are you most interested in and what are your talents? Could you teach a fitness class? Would you be great at selling cosmetics? Is graphic design your thing? There are many ways to make money doing what you love and still be able to stay home with your kids.

Will I Be Bored?

There is always tons stuff to do but you might get bored because you aren’t being challenged in the way that you had been at work. Especially in the beginning, it may be hard to get out and about. You probably won’t be around a lot of adults because your day will revolve around nap/feeding schedules. The first year with the boys, I really didn’t get out much at all. This can be really hard for some people – it was for me –  but I had great support which helped a lot.

The good news is, there are all kinds of groups for Moms and stay at home parents. The public library is fantastic with story times and other activities. There are groups, clubs and classes; which can get you and your children out and about.

Not everything you do has to involve your children. You can do volunteer work,  join a book club, and participate in Mom’s Night Out functions. Soon you’ll have the support of others like you.

Staying Home Vs. Working Outside the Home

Staying home involves giving up many things. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. You have to be parent, teacher and homemaker. There is no time clock to punch when your day is done. You are on-call even in the middle of the night.

However, staying home is also the most rewarding work you will ever do. There may not be any big promotions or exciting business trips to go on but as you see your children grow, learn, and discover the world around them — your heart will become so full of joy you might think it will burst.

Going back to work will involve balancing your job, time with your kids and spouse, household chores, and everything else in between. It’s a delicate juggling act, to be sure.

In turn, going back to work can provide a sense-of-self; which some people may not feel when they stay home, you may find that you are stronger financially (which is a stress reliever), and you really make the most of each moment you do have with your family, because it is so very precious.

No matter what you decide — make sure you really think things through. Remember that all any of us can do —  is our very best. Whether you decide to stay home or work, your children will love you and your life will be extra blessed because you’re a parent.

What are your thoughts on being a stay at home parent?

How to Deal with “Mommy, I want…..”

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How to react to "mommy, I want"
Image from DeviantArt

There are two times in the whole year when my kids go on a litany of “I want’s”.  These are their birthdays and Christmas.  They tap into the age-old tradition of gift-giving and suddenly they have reams and reams worth of gift suggestions you never knew they even had a clue about until now.  Of course, it doesn’t help that the television flashes ad after ad of all these innovative, new, varied, and expensive toys.  Even my kids, whom I try my very best to raise simply, succumb to the desire to own these toys.   And this is a tough thing to fulfill being a single mom.  But besides that, I really do not believe that they should have everything they want, any time they want it. I think it builds character to wait for a toy, to earn a toy, and to know that sometimes you can’t get the toy.  And I have clinical support for this belief, apparently.

“ Kids who get whatever they want don’t develop the critical life skills of self-discipline” David Walsh, Ph.D.  Author of No: Why Kids- of All Ages- Need to Hear It and Ways Parent Can Say It.

So here are some tips I’ve taken to doing to help my kids learn some self-control, and to save me from the needless and endless expense of too much toy shopping.

1.  Earn your Toy

My 5-year old son really wants a Wii.  Now, where we live, the kids don’t normally have Wii’s or PSP’s.  But my nephew, who is younger incidentally, has a Wii and so my son knows exactly what this is and all the virtual fun it can bring. This is a very expensive toy though and not something I think a 5-year old should have yet.  In fact, I am trying to limit their computer game exposure for the simple reasons that I want them to love reading and playing outside. I believe these activities enrich their minds and bodies.  Reading allows them to stretch their imagination and creativity as well as communication skills because they learn a lot of different vocabulary words from these books. Playing outside will keep them agile, fit, strong, and will build their immune system as well.  It is said  that one of the ways to fight a cold is to get exercise because it is through physical activity that blood circulates and disease fighting cells are made.

So I told him:

That a Wii is an expensive toy that requires some prerequisite behavior.  First, he has to show me he can take care of the toys he currently has meaning putting them away properly after  he plays with them and making sure he doesn’t intentionally break them.  Second, he has to show me that he can stop playing and eat or do his homework when he needs to. Finally, he has to earn the toy through a combination of good behavior and his allowance.  Granted, he has a tiny, tiny allowance, being only 5 years old, but still, it teaches him how to save.

2.  Look at the root of the desire

My daughter likes toys in general but nothing really in particular.  Thankfully, she is growing up fairly satisfied with having one of one kind of toy. This does not include her true favorite which are bags and shoes but that is an entirely different post.  Anyway, because of this, I am surprised when she accosts me with a barrage of toy requests.

This is what I do:

I sit down and listen to her and see if she really wants the toy for the toy itself. She can articulate why she wants the toy if it is really something she wants.  Often it is usually parroting her brother or just the act of collecting things.  If it is the former, then I have to sit down and look at the request.  I have to see that it is age-appropriate and not too expensive.  If it is, then I explain why she can’t have it.  This usually works.  If it is the latter, then I have to redirect her need to collect.  So far, I’ve redirected her efforts towards creating cards from art paper. These she can collect all she wants and all year-round at that!

3. ‘No’ means No.

Sometimes, even the best efforts just fall by the wayside.  These are the times when you have to look for your inner Hercules and stand your ground.  My son keeps going on and on about getting this very expensive train track set that he doesn’t need because he already has 4 others.  So finally I’ve told him that we won’t be getting it because he already has enough train track sets and that our budget would be better spent on something he doesn’t have or in saving for a rainy day. Naturally, he was upset when I told him this.

“Kids this age aren’t developmentally ready to understand that parents make and enforce rules to protect, not punish, them”. Dr. Walsh.

The thing that matters is that the kids see that you have values and that these are important and that you stand by them. These will be the values they will emulate themselves when they grow older.

More Helpful Tips:

1.  Limit TV time.

Like it or not, kids get 80% of their ideas from what they watch on TV. Just as the take in and copy expressions and behavior, so do they take in what consumerism tells them they should want and have.  Limiting TV time or popping in appropriate shows on your DVD will expose them to the good values in these shows and limit all the spending and collecting desires.

2. Explain things Clearly

When my son or daughter wants something, I talk to them about it. I asks them why they want it and I explain why I think it is not a good idea just yet.  My son had adjusted well to this form of communication, so much so that I often hear him telling his play mates why he doesn’t have a certain toy, when he can get it, and all with ease and no acrimony.

3. If you must take them to the mall with you, reserve toy shopping for when they are at the play area or in the library.

Choose your battles. Remember that these are kids and that sometimes, no amount of explanation will calm a child who literally sees the toy of their dreams an arm’s reach away.

These tips have really helped me keep my kids tantrums in check when considering the presents they want this Christmas.  I really think that these also apply to other aspects of life.  It teaches them discipline, control, how to save and budget, and how to handle different, difficult emotions.  If you get around to trying any of the tips, let me know how it goes.

How do you teach “no” to your children?

Disney Princesses — Dethroned?

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Disney princesses may be a think of the pastThe other day I was on Facebook – which truth be told – is a common occurrence for me. While there, I was reading through all of the things my friends and family — felt compelled to share with their friends and family on that particular day. Suddenly, I stumbled upon a link to an article that my super cool cousin posted. The first thing I noticed, was a picture of a beautiful Disney princess smiling at me; I immediately recognized that it was Cinderella. The title of the article was “Disney Will Stop Making Princess Movies Because Boys Think They’re Icky.” (If you want to read the article, just click on the title I’m referring to.)

Say what?!?

My first thought was, “That is just silly talk! Disney wouldn’t stop making princess movies. Obviously, someone is just trying to use a shocking title to draw people into their story.” That’s when I noticed my cousin’s comments to the article; “This article is disturbing on a few levels…” Well — now I had to read it!

Disney thinks that nobody wants princesses anymore

So, it seems as though Disney executives think that no one is really interested in princess movies anymore — not boys and not even girls. Apparently, they are under the impression that 5 and 6 year old girls no longer wish to be princesses; instead they just want to look “hot.” If that is true – and I pray that it is not – then that is very alarming and clearly something needs to change. Please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think every little girl needs to spend her time watching princess movies or pretending to be a princess; but I really don’t think they need to concern themselves with being hot or cool at that age either.

Disney’s princess movies are just good, wholesome entertainment. Of course, some critics will argue that they send a message to girls, that they have to wait around for a prince to come and rescue them. First of all, I honestly don’t think that’s the case for most girls who watch them. As a former princess wanna be – and daughter of a strong and independent single mother – I never thought I needed to wait around for anyone to save me because that’s not what I was raised to believe. Secondly, I think the princess movies showcase good morals and values; something that is sadly lacking in our society — and perhaps one of the reasons girls want to be “hot” rather than proper young ladies.

Gender stereotypes

The other thing that I found disturbing in that blog post, is how some of the blame is placed on boys. Disney executives think that they can no longer make the movies – which they have been making for decades – because apparently boys all of a sudden just decided that they are “icky?”

You know what I think? I would bet that boys found princess movies just as icky – if not more – when Disney released the first princess movies. Also, boys are sent a message that if they like princess movies – and honestly referring to them as princess movies doesn’t help, but what can you do – then there is something wrong with them. I have let my boys watch Cinderella, and they like it. When I mentioned it to another mom in casual conversation – a mom of two girls – she looked at me like I was insane for letting them watch it; then she preceded followed her look with, “Really? That’s weird.” I was shocked and speechless (anyone who knows me, knows this is a rarity). Of course, once I got in the car I thought of plenty of things to say but it was too late — and I haven’t run into her since.

Yes, I know the princess stories need an update. I think that’s what Disney is doing with the new movie “Tangled,” which is a revamped version of the Rapunzel story. This movie looks like it may just capture some of the magic that Dreamworks and the Disney Pixar movies have been able to tap into in recent years. Both have released movies that have become wildly popular because; the animation is amazing, many of them appeal to both genders, and they include something for people of all ages.

I don’t think Disney needs to put out a princess movie every year, but at least every 5-10 years would be nice. Maybe I’m just old fashioned — or maybe in this fast-paced world we live in, being a little old fashion isn’t such a bad thing. I think it can keep us grounded and remind us about what is really important in life.

What do you think? Should Disney bid the princesses a fond farewell? Do you think they can amp up the action – like they have done in “Tangled” – to appeal to wider audiences?

I, for one, am looking forward to seeing “Tangled” with my boys — and when I do, I’ll let you know what we thought about it!

What do you think? Should Disney move away from princess movies or are we sending the wrong messages to our kids?

Christmas as a Catalyst for Money Talk

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Christmas is a good time to teach kids about moneyChristmas is a season most often related to parties and gift-giving. This is especially true for the little ones. If you have kids, and young kids like I do, you will hear a non-stop stream of Santa wishes the moment you put your tree up. I was thinking about this as I was decorating my tree with my son and daughter and I thought now would be as good a time as any to start teaching them about money.

To be honest, this was a tough one for me There are so many schools of thought about how to go about doing this. When should you give your child an allowance, how much should this be, should you tie this to chores or not, and the list of questions goes on and on. I did some research and decided to try to combine a lot of what I thought made sense to me and I could actually apply.

Teach Your Child The Money Basics

Carol Wilson, a financial adviser from Salt Lake City, says that children learn about money the moment you start taking them to the store.

Your toddler begins learning about money from what she observes during visits to the store. When she reaches age 3 or 4, you should be explaining some of your shopping decisions: ‘We’re buying peaches today because they’re on sale,” or “We’re using coupons from the newspaper to help pay for our cereal.”

I found this to be so true. I’ve been taking my kids to the stores with me as soon as they were allowed by their pediatrician to venture out into the world and I must say my 5-year old knows all about buying food items, our grocery schedule, the fact that when I say “we have to buy more bread”, he knows that means a trip to the grocery store to pick out a loaf which will be paid for at the cashier. And my 3-year old is not far behind.

Now, I know that they know what money is and that it gets us goods and services (ok, services is stretching it, but you get the drift), I’ve decided to start teaching about the value of money. Ok, I’m going to do my best. This is not the easiest topic to teach.

Tips in Learning About the Value of Money:

Here are some tips I think are constructive and realistic when teaching your kids about money

Identifying money. Make sure that she knows the difference between a nickel and quarter.

Currency is different here in Manila but I get the gist of this point. My son knows the difference between all the bills and the coins but not the difference in values yet. Hmmmm….something to work on.

Making change. Make sure that she knows how to present enough money to cover a purchase and to count her change.

Ok, my son and daughter have very recently taken to buying a local tapioca and soy drink. A vendor passes by our house every morning and they come running to me for coins to make their purchase. This is a simple way to present covering a purchase and getting change. I’m happy about this.

Being responsible for money. If she loses the dollar that was in her pocket, she has to know that it’s her loss (you won’t replace it). This will teach her to be more careful in carrying money.

One morning last week, I gave my son some coins to buy his current favorite tapioca-soy drink. But the vendor didn’t come around that day and I didn’t get my coins back. The vendor did come the next day though and, like clockwork, both my kids came runing into the room to ask for change. So I asked my son where yesterday’s change was and he shrugged and said he dropped it. I told him that money was valuable and that he had to take care of it or he wouldn’t have any the next tiome he wanted to buy something. He didn’t get his drink that morning and seeing those big, fat tears almost made me cave. But he hasn’t misplaced his coins since. I’m hoping the lesson wasn’t too harsh.

Understanding that things cost money. From the candy she eyes at the supermarket checkout counter to the premium movie channels on TV, she must know that nothing comes free.

Well, the way I handle this is, every time we go out, I tell my kids that we can make 1 minor toy purchase only (if any). Antyhing they want after that has to go to the next trip becuase I only bring enough money for 1 toy each.

I also try to teach them about caring for their toys becuase these cost money and can’t easily be replaced. The verdict is still out on both attempts to teach my young ones about nothing being free.

Handling an allowance. Make sure that she learns to live with the allowance she’s given and to meet any expectations for it that you might set. For example, this may include a modest savings plan to pay for things she wants.

OK, I’m not sure about this part. I’m honestly not sure about how to introduce an allowance. So far, I’ve tried to connect chores to fun activities and rewards (rewards sometimes being the pride in a job well done). I’ve read that it is ok to connect chores to payment too as this will teach kids that they have to work for money. I am thinking that it might teach them that the only value in a job well done is its monetary equivalent. I haven’t decided. I do know I am going to give an allowance when they hit elementary but i’m still fuzzy on how to teach this. Suggestions anyone?

I hope I’ve listed down some helpful suggestions for getting started on the money lesson. I guess at the end of the day, I really want them to learn that they need to understand and value money, that it IS important, but there are other important things too like going for excellence, and being cautious, etc. This is a work-in-progress for me so any other tips are highly appreciated.

Have you explained money and value to your children? What prompted you to discuss it?

Raising an Appreciative Child

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Teaching appreciation to kidsThanksgiving Day is almost here and it’s one of my favorite holidays. I guess that’s probably because it revolves around; family, food, and gratitude — three of my favorite things! It is really important to my husband and I, that our boys grow up to be grateful for all of the blessings that they have throughout their lives. I know that being thankful for everything they have – no matter how much or how little – will make them happier, more compassionate, well-rounded, people. In addition, having gratitude will help them through the rough patches of life.

So how does a parent go about instilling a sense of gratitude in their child? One thing you must keep in mind is children generally don’t gain a true sense of gratitude, until they are between the ages of 7-10 years old. If you haven’t noticed, little tikes tend to believe that the world revolves around them and that’s ok — it’s how they are wired. You just need to keep teaching and encouraging them and eventually it will click. Most kids learn to say “please” and “thank you” at very young ages; this is where they first start learning to express their gratitude to people.

Here are a few tips that help teach your children about gratitude:

Express it

Each and everyday set aside time where you come together as a family and say what you are thankful for. In our family, we usually do this at dinner time and it has worked very well. Our boys really look forward to this time of day. Of course we always note how thankful we are for the food we are about to enjoy, but we also like to include; our family and friends, our pets, everyone’s jobs, our home, etc.

Another thing you should – and probably already – do, is to express your thanks to your children. If your child does something without asking, be sure you let them know just how much you appreciate their help. I have been pleasantly surprised by my children when they have thanked me for things like; making dinner, finding a lost toy, or getting them a snack. Of course it doesn’t happen all the time but when it does – it warms my heart.

Also, when your children receive gifts, have them make handmade thank you notes. This really shows the gift giver just how much your child appreciates them and of course – who doesn’t love getting a handmade craft from a child? It also teaches your child the importance of acknowledging a gift.

Model it

Showing your gratitude for things other people do for you, is a great way to teach your children to be appreciative. If someone holds the door open for you, helps you with something or gives you a gift, of course you’ll want to let that person know that you are thankful, but use this as a teaching moment for your child as well. You could say “Wasn’t that nice of that lady to hold the door open for us?” or, “It was so thoughtful of Mrs. Wilkes to bring those cookies by! We should make her a thank-you card.”

Live it

Another way to express gratitude is to give to others. Be sure to include your children as much as you can when you volunteer or give to charities. Explain what you are doing and why it is important to always show you appreciate what you have, by sharing some of it with others. A few ways you can do this are:

  • Donate food to a food drive, homeless shelter, or food bank. Explain to your children that some adults and children don’t have enough food to eat and need help from other people. Take them to the store with you, and let them pick out foods they would like to donate.
  • When you clear out closets and toys boxes, let you kids know where you are taking the items they have out grown. Be sure they know that these items are going to other kids who need and appreciate them.
  • Think about what cause is closest to your heart; then get involved in some way. Donating your time can be just as important as a monetary donation. You can donate a little time or a lot of time but whatever you do, include your children whenever possible.
  • During the holidays there are a lot of “giving trees” with gift wishes for needy kids and families. If you can, have your child select a gift recipient and allow them pick out a gift. This teaches your child the importance of giving to others and makes them feel proud that they were able to help someone in need.

“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.”  -Margaret Cousins

Thank you for reading and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What have you done to teach appreciation to your children?

Teaching Volunteer Values to Your Children

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kids volunteering with dogAs the winter holidays approaches, it seems as though the entire world works itself into a frenzy of giving, both financially and in other ways. Regardless of your family’s traditions or spiritual beliefs, the winter holidays can be a great time of year to teach one of the most valuable lessons you can teach your children: how to love.

Set The Example

We constantly tell our children to be nice, to be polite, to share, to give, to be kind. But as with any other lesson, it is important to set the example you want your children to emulate. The winter holidays are a time for giving, loving and sharing; to teach this to your children, it’s important to get them involved with giving, loving and sharing with the community.

Unfortunately, it can be a lot harder to find ways to give when you are keeping a strict budget. Cold and wet weather are also seen as deterrents to volunteering, especially when dealing with small children. Yet, there are a lot of ways to get your kids in the mind frame of giving back without having to brave freezing temperatures or spend a fortune.

Here are a few key points to remember when seeking volunteer opportunities with your children:

  • Focus on the message. To start brain-storming ideas for your children, begin by zeroing in on exactly what you want to teach them. Why do you think that it is important to volunteer? How you answer that question will impact the activities you choose. For example, if your family is religious, you may want to choose an activity with a religious message. Look for an organization with religion-related events.
  • Find something fun! If you choose tedious, boring work for you children to partake in, you may be inadvertently teaching them that volunteering is tedious and boring. These jobs, such as sorting clothes or sitting at a booth, are still important; but you may want to start the experience with fun activities and gradually sprinkle in these less exciting opportunities.
  • Be prepared to field questions from your children. Helping out in a soup kitchen can be a lot of fun, but younger children won’t understand the concept of not having a home. Do some thinking before taking your children to places like this, and be prepared with answers in advance so you aren’t caught off guard. This also goes for domestic violence shelters, terminally-ill hospital wards, or any particularly heart-wrenching situation. These places are what make volunteering so special: but it is a heavy message to teach. Don’t necessarily shy away from it, but prepare yourself and your children as best as you can, which may mean waiting another year or so.
  • Make home-made holiday cards for residents of a nursing home or hospital.
  • Play with Animals.  Take your children to the local Humane Society and spend an hour playing with the animals.
  • Pick out a toy to take to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. All of these activities cost relatively little, but teach a clear and positive message.

If you do decide that you want to do an activity that costs more money, get your children involved in a family piggy bank dedicated to the holiday season. Even a dollar a week can buy Thanksgiving dinner for several families, a winter coat for a child in need, or mittens for dozens of children.

Do you volunteer with your children? How did you teach the value of giving back?

Teaching Children About Money

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kids and moneyTeaching our children about money may sound easy to do but many times it is not. As our children get older they will begin to understand more so don’t give up and think your children will always think money just appears.

When children are about 5-6 years old they seem to love collecting coins. This is a great time to start the “piggy bank” or “money collection”. As they get a bit older they begin to understand that each coin has a different value. And when theses coins are added up it is enough to buy something that they have been wanting.

So how do we as parents begin to teach them the value of money and how to save? This is not an easy task at times but it is a very important lesson. Teaching our children to save for a certain item not only teaches them self discipline but also allow them to set goals.

Allowances and Chores

In many households the parents reward for chores that are completed by giving the child an allowance. By earning the money the child feels good about the accomplishment and then is able to save the money earned to buy something.

If the child wants something of a larger value the child will then have to save for it. This may mean more than a week worth of chores. And be warned, there are those that do not want to wait and will asked to be paid ahead of time. What we tell our children is that when a job or chore has been completed that is when they will receive the allowance. We do not pay for chores that have not been completed yet. By doing this we are teaching the child that things have to be earned. There is something about actually earning what they have bought that makes the child seem much happier with the item when they are finally able to buy it.

Saving Money

The next lesson is teaching about saving money. How much is the right amount to save? This is up to the individual parents. Some teach their children to save more while others just have their children put away a small amount to get the hang of saving up money.

When children get a bit older and have small jobs they are then able to set bigger goals. As they get older the “toys” also become more expensive. What was once a small truck or doll now may become a cell phone or video game. We as parents know just how expensive the “toys” can get.

It takes time to teach our children about money. With time and patience they will be saving money as well as setting goals for items that they want.

Do you have any ideas on teaching our children about money that you have used or are planning to use?

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